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Calendar Girl

There is an image, I would like to evoke

'Cos I am so fond of a practical joke

The film ‘Calendar Girls’ inspired my tease

As I lay naked on the couch, and I tried not to sneeze

 

You see, I’d covered my 'assets' with double whipped cream

As I lay on the sofa, and tried not to scream

'Cos my dog scrambled over, for a sniff and a lick

So I put her in the kitchen before she was sick

 

But, as I jumped up off the sofa, the cream fell down, 'splat'

All over the floor, and some on the cat

I sprayed on some more, and lay back on the couch

Holding in my spare tyres as I tried not to slouch

 

Then the bloody phone rang, could be him on the line

I jumped up again, the cream now turning to slime

As I walked gingerly over, it stopped, and I swore

Most of the cream was now on the floor

 

I used the last of the pot and squeezed it all out

And I lay on the carpet trying to pout

But the bastard was late and by the time he got in

The cream had all melted and I looked pretty grim

 

He was laughing so much as he took in the sight

I must have looked dreadful all covered in white

He spluttered so hard he almost turned blue

Then said very kindly "Did a Seagull shit over you ?"